Should I start a YouTube channel?

Déjà vu

It feels like everything I'm feeling now I felt a year ago, by the looks of this blog. Last year I wrote a blog called "I really hate Sundays, more than Mondays" have to admit is along with the "..." series are some of my favourite pieces of writing as I think I really got out what I meant to get out.
When I do my reviews it is an inpersonal address to people of whether they should by something. But when I write my "From the heart" blogs (its the label I use for blogs like these ones) I feel like I am finsing a way of getting out my feelings and reducing the tears so no one finds out how I actually feel inside. So this is how I feel. I feel like I am trapped in a cycle of emotional upset. One minute I'm fine and nothing in my perfect china world can go wrong. The next minute the china smashes and I'm struggling to pick up each and every little piece without hurting myself to much. Eventually after slowly bandaging up my cuts I can return to my perfect china world.

The reason why I'm calling this blog Déjà vu is as the cycle has now been going on for more than a year ("I hate Sundays more than Mondays" was uploaded 1/11/2015) when I read my old blogs I feel the struggle and hate for myself and the negative thoughts I am thinking now. I think about how many times I have been caught with the tears welling up in my eyes and blaming it on the mascara in my eyes and I think about the many times I have just wanted to leave and get out of this cycle and get out of this way of seeming never ending life. But every time I try I fail. And I know, I know you must get up and "keep trying" but I can't for I am too tired.

What I write in this blog I wish I could show the ones I really want to show. But I am scared at the embarrassment, the horror and the look of a failure in there eyes. I've come to a conclusion that one I can't tell people about this blog and two this, this blog s how I escape how I channel my emotions into something other than crying and punching pillows about all of my missed opportunities.

This is my escape and I hope by this time next year this blog will no longer be entitled "Déjà vu"


Caiykin x

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